THE END OF OCEAN ACIDIFICATION (Our contribution to April Fools Day)

By Daniel de la Calle

This is probably the most exciting and positive news of my life.  Reading The London Times this morning I could hardly hold the tears, tears of joy and relief for once.  While I am aware there are plenty other hazards and pending threats to the environment and that this is by no means the end of all problems, the certainty that a year from now Ocean Acidification will be a thing of the past clearly constitutes a turning point for all of us, both in the way we envision our role in this planet and in the work and involvement of major corporations.
I am sure you know by now, but just in case for some reason you have not watched the news or read the papers today, giant German pharmaceutical company Bayer Schering Pharma and US GlaxoSmithKline announced last night that they have spent the past 5 years doing secretive research (over US $30 billion spent!) on Ocean Acidification and that they have found a definitive solution for it!  Thanks to over 80 years of experience on stomach acid problems and its treatment they have been to develop a simple yet efficient remedy.  The Bayer facility in Besoffendorf, north of Hamburg, is already producing the largest and most potent AlkaSeltzer and Tums pill ever, an impressive four ton giant baptized “Tumkaseltz” (very rotund and German, very appropriate, in my opinion) with the combined potency of over five trillion regular antacids. 

Guinness World Records experts have already been called to the factory to confirm that this truly is the largest pill ever crafted and that it sets a record in both weigh and size that will be hard to surpass in the near future.  I am a huge fan of the Guinness World Records, so on a personal level this is icing on the cake; I am totally elated.
“We virtually applied the same principles that have proven to be so successful with our products throughout the twentieth century”, says Mr. Glücklich Satt, Senior Vice-president of Bayer and head of the project.  “Put into simple words, we looked at planet Earth as a living entity and to the oceans as sort of its guts and stomach.  After carrying out extensive calculations and tweaking the composition of our remedy to adjust to the salty ocean environment our team of scientists determined that ten of these reinforced tablets a day will be more than sufficient to bring worldwide pH levels back to normal”.
Although initial tests did not come without unwanted and sometimes shocking side effects,

the real difficulties seem to paradoxically have come from the best way to transport such mega pills around the globe, to the mouth of each ocean. “Again we looked for simple solutions to complex problems,” tells Mr. Satt, “and found that nothing was more cost effective and efficient than man force. We are in the process of hiring circus acrobats from around the globe to be trained here in Germany on the best, quickest and safest way to perform the task. We are aware this is going to leave a temporary gap in the already hampered circus world, but believe that our planet and the future of pteropods is a much bigger priority and that clowns and magicians will be able to temporarily fill the gap.”

Great words from a great man.

C6H8O7(aq) + 3NaHCO3(aq) → 3H2O(l) + 3CO2(g) + Na3C6H5O7(aq)

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